Success in football is measurable by two simple things. One is the style in which a team and plays, the other is how healthy their financial affairs are. Obviously Arsenal excel at both, and pointing this out can cure the confusion felt by those outside the Arsenal family who question how successful we are.
B – BARCELONA
On the occasion that the opposition is Barcelona, then everything you read here should be ignored and instead you should refer to reality.
C – CUPS
A crass expression of superiority displayed by those who lack the class of Arsenal. If this argument fails see E – Emirates (Cup) .
D – DEFENSIVE
Should we fail to score against a team then the reason is of course the opposition played defensively. A cunning and evil plan used by those who should receive our pity.
E – EMIRATES (Cup)
When it is pointed out that Arsenal have not won a trophy for a significant period then please correct the accusation by detailing our success in this prestigious competition. Indeed, Arsenal have won this an amazing three of the four times it has been staged.
F – FIXTURES
Obviously we are all aware that the fixture list is compiled to be a challenge to Arsenal and our brand of football. However, care must be taken when demonstrating this so as not to get an attack of what is commonly referred to as ‘The Rafas’.
G – GRASS
The length or breadth of grass can directly result in a poor performance. Even the trajectory of the grass as it rises to the sun can hinder play. There is no set measurement to determine optimum grass conditions, but a good way to measure its suitability is by the result of the game. If the game goes against you, it’s safe to conclude the grass was not of a sufficient quality.
H – HOOF
The way to describe a pass, of any length, by any opposition player. For exclusions to this, please see ‘B – Barcelona’
I – IGNORANCE
Upon the questioning of your individual performance - or, indeed, that of the team - then you have to keep this issue in mind. Some football professionals and supporters are likely to be ignorant of your superiority and you must tackle this ignorance tactfully. A brief explanation of how you play good football is beneficial, as demonstrated so expertly by your captain following the Ipswich injustice: ‘Arsenal played the football, the other team refused to play football, they were lucky to score.’
J – JEALOUSY
An emotion displayed by the opposition. It should be noted this forms the subtext to any criticism of Arsenal.
K – KICK (Our Players)
The typical reaction from teams unable to cope with the obvious superiority of our artists.
L – LESSER
The word used to describe teams so poor they resort to using tactics to try to beat us.
M - MONEY
This is widely available to other clubs, and this fact is best brought up when meeting the ones who spend more of it. Please note when explaining the money issue that you should NEVER refer to the wage bill at Arsenal.
N – NARCISSISM
When truly stuck as to how to counter a disbeliever, immediately embrace narcissism. A quick visit should ensure you are refreshed and able to refer to another letter.
O – OWN GOALS
When the opposition we are playing concede an own goal, it is clearly due to them being bamboozled by the excellence of Arsenal’s play. They simply could not help it. Please note that when a team facing one of our rivals concedes an own goal it is due to the scorer being incompetent and is just another example of our rivals benefiting in a way that we don’t.
P – POSSESSION
Obviously the true victor of a game can be judged by possession rather than, say, goals scored. However, be aware that when this statistic goes against Arsenal, the occurrence can be cited as an exception which proves the rule.
Q – QUALITY
Quantity of points will always be inferior to quality of football. While other teams can satisfy their uneducated palates by merely having the most points, we must always make them aware it’s actually the style with which you go about accumulating your total that counts.
R- REASONS
What footballing philistines may refer to as excuses.
S – SUCCESS
You can clearly only judge success by the reasons set out within this guide.
T – TIREDNESS
Playing our correct brand of football is clearly more tiring than the way other teams play, which results in lower levels of energy for Arsenal players. Should these lower levels of energy result in a poor performance, then that is only to be expected: we will suffer for our art!
U – UNFAIR
The correct way to refer to officials in the aftermath of a poor result.
V – VAN PERSIE (Lack of)
To be used to explain anything from a poor performance to failure to add to contents of trophy cabinet.
W – WALL
What opposition teams build around their area to prevent a fair game and to stifle the true attacking nature of Arsenal’s football.
X – XENOPHOBIA
A prejudice demonstrated by rival supporters and indeed the media. Unable to cope with our clear superiority, some of lesser intelligence let their opinions be clouded by their xenophobia toward our manager. While it is accepted that Arsene Wenger is not the Premier League's only foreign manager, he is clearly the only one to suffer from this injustice.
Y – YOUTH
A lack of experience can often hamper even the best of players. Historically this reason was only used when a team consisted mainly of very young players, however it has been found that if you use enough conviction when portraying this, you can still get away with it when the team are mainly in their mid- to late-20s.
Z – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
How best to explain that the play of other teams makes us feel sleepy. For exclusions to this, please see ‘B – Barcelona’
Read more: http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/opinion ... z1B3JkDXZe
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